After a somewhat whirlwind weekend of debauchery, I got to thinking about coupling. I am seriously not the right person to talk about this topic. I have never been in a REAL relationship that would qualify me as a better half of a couple. I have had relationships before, but never really serious, some (for me) were real, but I can't quite say the same for the other person.
But why is it that for the past few weeks, I feel so pressured to finally be in a relationship. What are the factors that have put me into this position? Has society become so couple-centered? Is it my family? Is it my age? Or could it just be loneliness? Why is it always just a QUESTION?
I am not one who easily gets jealous. But everytime I see a happy couple, my inner green-eyed monster just pops out. I look at them and think "why can't I have that?"
But secretly, I feel happy for them... miserable for me.
I am fastly moving on to my mid-twenties box. I know it sounds exagerrated, but I think I am running out of time.
I am mid-twenties, I have a great loving family, I have the most amazing friends and a successful career. I guess it's safe to say that I am living the life!
But I have never had a real relationship!
Yes, you can, I won't hate you! Go ahead, feel sorry for me.
Heck! I feel sorry for myself.
Everytime I go out on a weekend (which is not often by the way), I feel like there is extra pressure for me to meet someone. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-social or anything. I do meet some pretty decent people, but none of them I really fancy. The people I actually like, always end up being taken. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has no one. Lonely.
I am about to have (yet another) birthday in a few weeks. Another year, another waste of precious time to spend with someone.
I have heard enough of the "The ONE is out there, you just haven't met, so just wait" speeches. I am so tired of waiting. I have waited for almost my entire adult life.
It seems almost everyone I know is coupling up, save for my very few unfortunate friends. Thank God. I need them!
But I always get to thinking, if I am twenty-something and I still have not had a real decent relationship, ever, could that ONE person for me be feeling the same way? Is God saving me for someone grand? Or could I just be too blind to see what's in front of me? And when we do meet each other, will we both know that "This is it!"?
My relationship-life has all been questions.
Here goes another weekend, of me, trying, to finally, get an answer!
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
of crushes and crashing 080519
Before I carry on with my ranting, I want to get one thing clear out there, I AM A MASOCHIST.
I always have been, I am, and I always will be. It is through subjecting myself to suffering and pain that I get a certain degree of self-validation. It's like my drug. The physical rush of blood to my head, the emotional stab of getting hurt and the mental torment of knowing some perverted distress is coming or is IN my way.
Call me crazy, but I love it.
It is by experiencing pain I know and realize that I am alive. It is through suffering I know that compassion exists. It is through this vexation I ultimately feel the elusive happiness and euphoria that comes after.
Call it torture. I call it ME.
So how do I inflict this pain you may ask? No, I do not stab or cut myself. Mine is a knife sharper than that. I do not feel pleasure from a healing wound or scar tissue. I want it deeper than the physical, I want it to stab my heart and disturb my brain.
____________________
It has been awhile since I have been physically pleasured by someone (wink*). Warm blooded as I am, I prefer an intelligent conversation over sex.
Bull.
OK, I prefer sex. No, I prefer sex after an intelligent conversation. I want my cake, and eat it too, literally.
Anyways, over the weekend, I really wanted to go out. Hang out with some friends, perhaps meet new ones, or if all else fails, hook up (yes, have sex) with old ones. I was psyching myself already. Prepared and dressed to the nines, I changed my mind. You ask why? To torture myself. Crazy right? I mean, that night was a sure thing for me. I knew what I wanted and I knew I was going to get it. I mean, it was already there, summoning me. I refused. And now, I am in such a state of regret. And I love it. It's like I was ready to take off, heck I already did take off and I intentionally crashed my plane. The feeling of crashing and ruining my plans left me with a feeling of big-time regret, dissatisfaction and emptiness. I was down. I let myself down. All for the sheer pleasure of feeling down.
_____________________
I have a crush. Yes, I mean a person that when you see makes your heart skip and involuntarily makes you smile. Hehehe.
What am I, twelve???
I MEAN a person who clouds your mind with lustful thoughts whenever you see each other. A person whose very name invokes your loins to a "Hail Hitler" mode. The very sight of whom makes you want to carelessly drop your pants, rip your top and start humping like gorillas.
I guess I do have a crush!
I've know this person for quite some time. Although we have never ever conversed, as far as I remember. Never really appreciated the person much before. But now, it's like Ummph!
OK, so bottom line line is, I want to get in this person's pants ASAP. Hahaha. You perv you.
I seem happy right?
Completely the opposite.
Whenever I have a crush, I automatically get depressed. You ask why? Well, a crush for me is someone I desire but I know I CANNOT have. Ouch! I have long accepted this fact and will forever live through it. I have had a couple of surprises over the past year when "one of my crushes" reciprocated my guised affections. Oh and by the way, just a little juice, the "one of my crushes" I mentioned had a brief thing with this new crush of mine. Hahaha! Small world.
I wonder if this will turn out good (or bad in a good way)?
Oh well.
One can only hope.
I can just stick to moping on the feeling of knowing that this person is so near, yet so far.
Leave me be. I am gonna go cut myself.
I always have been, I am, and I always will be. It is through subjecting myself to suffering and pain that I get a certain degree of self-validation. It's like my drug. The physical rush of blood to my head, the emotional stab of getting hurt and the mental torment of knowing some perverted distress is coming or is IN my way.
Call me crazy, but I love it.
It is by experiencing pain I know and realize that I am alive. It is through suffering I know that compassion exists. It is through this vexation I ultimately feel the elusive happiness and euphoria that comes after.
Call it torture. I call it ME.
So how do I inflict this pain you may ask? No, I do not stab or cut myself. Mine is a knife sharper than that. I do not feel pleasure from a healing wound or scar tissue. I want it deeper than the physical, I want it to stab my heart and disturb my brain.
____________________
It has been awhile since I have been physically pleasured by someone (wink*). Warm blooded as I am, I prefer an intelligent conversation over sex.
Bull.
OK, I prefer sex. No, I prefer sex after an intelligent conversation. I want my cake, and eat it too, literally.
Anyways, over the weekend, I really wanted to go out. Hang out with some friends, perhaps meet new ones, or if all else fails, hook up (yes, have sex) with old ones. I was psyching myself already. Prepared and dressed to the nines, I changed my mind. You ask why? To torture myself. Crazy right? I mean, that night was a sure thing for me. I knew what I wanted and I knew I was going to get it. I mean, it was already there, summoning me. I refused. And now, I am in such a state of regret. And I love it. It's like I was ready to take off, heck I already did take off and I intentionally crashed my plane. The feeling of crashing and ruining my plans left me with a feeling of big-time regret, dissatisfaction and emptiness. I was down. I let myself down. All for the sheer pleasure of feeling down.
_____________________
I have a crush. Yes, I mean a person that when you see makes your heart skip and involuntarily makes you smile. Hehehe.
What am I, twelve???
I MEAN a person who clouds your mind with lustful thoughts whenever you see each other. A person whose very name invokes your loins to a "Hail Hitler" mode. The very sight of whom makes you want to carelessly drop your pants, rip your top and start humping like gorillas.
I guess I do have a crush!
I've know this person for quite some time. Although we have never ever conversed, as far as I remember. Never really appreciated the person much before. But now, it's like Ummph!
OK, so bottom line line is, I want to get in this person's pants ASAP. Hahaha. You perv you.
I seem happy right?
Completely the opposite.
Whenever I have a crush, I automatically get depressed. You ask why? Well, a crush for me is someone I desire but I know I CANNOT have. Ouch! I have long accepted this fact and will forever live through it. I have had a couple of surprises over the past year when "one of my crushes" reciprocated my guised affections. Oh and by the way, just a little juice, the "one of my crushes" I mentioned had a brief thing with this new crush of mine. Hahaha! Small world.
I wonder if this will turn out good (or bad in a good way)?
Oh well.
One can only hope.
I can just stick to moping on the feeling of knowing that this person is so near, yet so far.
Leave me be. I am gonna go cut myself.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Lo-oc Beach (Photos 080511)
The past few days have put a damp in my being. The weather doesn't seem to agree with the season and my mood quickly changes with it. It has been raining non-stop. My beach life (and my life in general) has been... well, wet. And not in a good way.
Much to my chagrin, the sun did show up but it brought with it a cool strong breeze. I've always been one who enjoys a breeze every now and then but right now, I just want the weather to be hot.
Oh well, nothing ever stops me from my beach life.
Lo-oc is the nearest beach from my house, I literally can walk (but the lazy leech that I am, i drive) to it. It's my Saturday and Sunday destination.
Skim boarding, windsurfing, kayaking and hanging out with old hometown friends. Who am i to complain?
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
summer much? 080504
It's official!
Summer is my favorite season.
Like I really have a choice? There are only two seasons in this country! No seriously, I never really liked summer before because I can never really take the heat. But for some reason, I am just lovin' it this year. Although there have been few rainy days lately but when the sun comes out it just gives me such a lift and the sudden urge to hit the beach. Oh the beach, the beach. With a cold beer on my hand. Oooohhh... now that's what I call summer!
Summer is my favorite season.
Like I really have a choice? There are only two seasons in this country! No seriously, I never really liked summer before because I can never really take the heat. But for some reason, I am just lovin' it this year. Although there have been few rainy days lately but when the sun comes out it just gives me such a lift and the sudden urge to hit the beach. Oh the beach, the beach. With a cold beer on my hand. Oooohhh... now that's what I call summer!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
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