Sunset by the Mactan Strait (Photos 081019)

A beautiful sunset, to cap off a beautiful Sunday...

Low Tide (Photos 081012)

My eye for photography is back.













All of a sudden, I love the low tide...

Unfinished 080904

I haven't been blogging anything for the longest time.

I had personal issues I had to go through. Some of which I will write about in the next few days. Nonethelees, during my hiatus, I had prepared a few unfinished articles and I would like to share my drafts. I don't think I will be finishing them, as to why? I'll explain in my next posts.


Birthday. No matter how much I try to postpone it, it's imminence is undeniable that I can smell it... every morning I wake up. I even ask myself why I am so scared of it. I remember when I was still younger (because by standard I am still young) when a birthday was something I look forward to. Those days when a birthday was synonymous with gifts, cake, toys and candy. When even if it's three months away you tell everybody that it's very near. What I would give to have that back again!

_______________________________

I guess the curse that comes with maturity is age. I know, I know, it sounds like it's supposed to be the other way around. The curse that comes with age is maturity?! No no no, not for me. The curse that comes with maturity is DEFINITELY age.

Married perspective aka The Married Sword – The higher the age (number) the higher the pressure for becoming mature. You can grow old without being mature.

_______________________________

We become the people we want to have. We become so enthralled by our desires that we actually project it. I think it's because of our notion that similars attract, so if we become the people we want to attract, we might actually attract THEM!



It doesn't make sense, but they are something,


as far as I'm concerned.

Bored vs Tired 080703

It's July, my birth month, the first month of the second half of the year. How fast the year goes. And yet my life has been the same.

Another day, another waste of time. I woke up fully charged, half-bothered by a morbid dream. I snoozed and realized that I actually had to go to the gym today. Gym time is my favorite time of the day. I love the feeling of sweating and lifting shit that make the veins in my head almost burst. I'm often surprised on how much I can lift in the gym when in the house, I can hardly pick up my own plate after a meal. Plus, there are lots of mirrors there. Hahaha! Narcissism at it's best. I don't go to the gym because I want to grow muscles or burn fat. The gym is like my happy-place, where I don't have to think about any shit I have to deal with in my life. I feel like I'm always doing something when I'm exercising. I mean, how can you think of your melodramas when you're lifting 90 pounds of barbell weight up and down your chest? It's not a distraction, it's my therapy, my escape, my excuse to be (or at least pretend to be) strong.

Following my session is a routine of activities ranging from breakfast, to showers, to my “What am I going to wear today?” self arguments that lasts forever, and the long commute to work.

Don't even get me started about work. I do love it! But sometimes I think it's the same damn thing every single day. But I always tell myself that I have no right to complain. I have come to accept the fact that I AM actually lucky to be doing what I am doing. I love my office, (some of) my officemates and my job itself.

Even my break times have also become a routine. During my break, I take a quick meal, head downstairs and have that token cigarette stick to relieve that apparent corporate stress.

As I puffed away my second cigarette for the day ( I'm desperately trying to quit), I caught a glimpse of a very typical view of the city - cars passing by, a cab driver checking his engine with the hood door flung, old Chinese ladies clutching their LV's, workers fixing the side of the road, yuppies chatting through their break. It was a moment that I actually appreciated, seeing people go about their busy and effervescent lives. They must be so lucky!

I got to thinking, am I really that bored? Do I even have the right to be bored? If I were in the shoes of the other people in this city, would I still be bored? Am I even bored or am I tired? Am I tired of my daily routine? Tired of working? Are both these feelings the same? Or could I be feeling both?

After the last puff, these questions still stuck in my mind. And as I finger-flicked away my cigarette (a move I proudly do well) I secretly wished my questions flew away with it.

As I rode up the elevator, with my claustrophobia and the delayed nicotine-high kicking in, I realized, darn, my life sucks.

Going back to being bored or tired, which one of these analogous sentiments am I really in? Kinda hard to digest eh. I think to best identify the state that I'm in, I have to properly define both. According to Merriam Webster, theses are their definitions:

BOREDOM - the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.
TIRED – having one's patience, interest or pleasure exhausted.

Let's see, I can say I am weary and restless, oh yeah, definitely restless. I have patience (or at least I think I have), I have very limited interests, and as for pleasure, uhmm...

It's just so hard to distinguish because they pretty much seem the same. But I refuse to be both, I know I am at least one of these and I will not rest until I figure this one out. I mean, I aced our company's Attendance Policy Exam whose choices were beyond normal comprehension, how much more these two mofo's.

OK, let me try to define both myself, Merriam and Webster or Merriam-Webster (God only knows if these are two blokes or one! Are they? Enough with these unnecessary seg-ways, focus man, FOCUS!) can take a (their? FOCUS!) rest first.

I think bored is when you have nothing to do and you long for one. Not literally nothing, what I mean is there is nothing in your current situation that excites you or keeps you interested. It's like being in a diner wherein you've ordered all that is in their menu that you pretty much know how everything tastes but you have no other choice because the next diner is about a thousand miles away. You get what I mean right? To keep it simple, it's like being stuck.

Tired however is a totally different thing. It ain't stuck at all. It's like having everything altogether or at the very least having more choices and then eating them all up to the point of vomiting in your mouth. I guess tired is actually doing something but doing it a little too much.




I have come to realize, bored is what I am, tired is what I want, but at the same time, dread to be.

Well that was easy!

I am bored, because I feel stuck, and I am restless. I do have interests but they are my interests because they are my only possible interests available. I want more. I don't want my choices to be a thousand miles away, and if it is, I wanna go there now. I want to feel exhausted, I want to be tired and say that I did it all. I want more choices, choices that will keep me un-bored and make me tired.

Bored is what I am, tired is what I want and dread to be.

I wonder what those LV clutching Chinese women are?

Frank (Photos 080621)

When a bad-ass typhoon hits,

the candles and boredom comes out!







And because of utter boredom, I took pictures of his fury, up in our roof.

I DO NOT recommend this to anyone.













Frank, come and see us again please...



NOT!!!

Mister Birthday 080617

Hey Mister, Happy Birthday!


Thanks, kiddo.

the lies we tell ourselves 080612

I have to admit, I was taught to lie at a very early age. Emphasis on the word taught! When I was very young, say about 8 or 10, my mother had a bit of a gambling problem. She had it long before, and my father despised it. Whenever my father took off for work, give about 20 minutes, so would my mom, to her mahjong session. I remember my mother clearly telling me that if my dad called the house, I should say she was in the market. Lying 101. And Mother-Of-The-Year award.

I am not one who completely disagrees with the very act of lying. I mean come on, everyone in this world has lied deliberately more than a couple of times in their life. It's like the only mortal sin that isn't even sinful anymore because it has become the status quo. The degree of your lie depends on the severity of the truth that was omitted and the aftermath of telling such a lie.

Lying to others is not that much of an issue anymore. Lying comes naturally to me. It's like breathing. Hahaha! You lying son-of-a-bitch! But seriously, there are times in a man's life when lying is the only thing that can save him from an hour of hanging out with an irritating friend, a day of unnecessarily groveling, a week's worth of laundry, a month of starvation or a life of endless persecution. Truth advocates, you might as well shoot me now.

My Audrey-Hepburn-looking workmate asks me “What if your lies hurt people?” Well, as long as they did not lie to me, I don't give a shit!

I am really not writing about the lies we tell others, as I said, it has become the status quo, ergo, it's not cool anymore. I wanna focus more on the lies we tell ourselves, or properly put, the lies I tell myself.

I guess I'm not the only one who's guilty here. I bet, you have lied to yourself, is lying to yourself and will lie to yourself. Don't worry, you are so not alone. Everyone does. Except no one really talks about it.

I lie to myself. It keeps me sane. It puts my life in perspective. It drives me.

There are moments in every corporate slave's life that will push him or her to the brink of insanity. Whether it be impossible deadlines, air-headed co-workers, ridiculous taxes, psycho bosses and perverted janitors. But these are the very moments and things that trigger my self-lying, self-denying chromosomes to take action. On days like these, I always tell myself that “I love what I'm doing!” “I work in a great company.” “People would kill to have my job!”

Lie. Lie. Lie.

But hey, because I do, I'm still here, still fine, and am still sane.

But the lies I tell myself go deeper beyond my job. I have a lot of personal issues that I know is too hard for me to handle. Take for example my loneliness, my masochism, my pathetic desire to be desired. Living with these issues can be very tough. Tough bordering on suicidal. But I know better. Plus, I know I can always lie.. to myself.

Lying has become my ever-dependent, beckon call, best friend.

I am not depressed.
I am fine.
I DO NOT need anyone.
I am better than everyone else.
I am lucky to be single.
I am happy.

L-I-E-S.

But if it's any consolation, I know lying to myself is not entirely a negative thing. It is through lying to myself I begin to see myself in a different light. It is through lying to myself I recognize the truth.


It is through knowing my lies, that I finally strive and try hard,

to turn them into my truths.


Thanks mom!

body can't catch up 080610

I can't believe it's already June.

Half a year has passed and it still feels like yesterday was New Year's.

This is my first blog for the month (I know, nothing much to post for the past few days) and it isn't a very happy one.

I have been incredibly sick for the past few days. I have colds, cough and fever.

The only rational reason whhy I am sick is this - my body can't catch up with my lifestyle!

I have been going on non-stop weekend parties, drinking, smoking and drugging my self. I know better and I know these things are bad for me. But it has just been stressful at work that I always need a way to vent out. I know my choice of de-stressing is not healthy and I am a hundred percent guilty of my own health deficiency.

When I get better, I promise myself that I will stay healthy and return to the active, clean lifestyle that I have lived before.

And so, for me to be constantly reminded, I have created a to-do-list for my own sake:

1) Sleep on time and get enough rest.
2) Wake up to water and eat breakfast everyday.
3) Stick to my exercise regimen which is weights and cardio interval training.
4) Eat on a timed basis with full meals every 4 hours and healthy snacks in the 2 hours between.
5) Quit smoking. This may be hard but I will definitely try.
6) Get my weekly anti-oxidant shots for the next ten weeks.
7) Head back to the beach to de-stress;
8) Go shopping on weekends instead of getting wasted.
9) Limit weekend parties.
10) Start reading books, again.

This is a long shot, but I never doubt myself.

So here I go, I owe it to myself.

lucky me 080602

Just when I thought my life could not get any worse.

The person who completely broke my heart (and am still ridiculously hung up on) has a seemingly wonderful "although we can never be" and "what if" relationship with my crush.

Kill me now!

the single's questions 080530

After a somewhat whirlwind weekend of debauchery, I got to thinking about coupling. I am seriously not the right person to talk about this topic. I have never been in a REAL relationship that would qualify me as a better half of a couple. I have had relationships before, but never really serious, some (for me) were real, but I can't quite say the same for the other person.

But why is it that for the past few weeks, I feel so pressured to finally be in a relationship. What are the factors that have put me into this position? Has society become so couple-centered? Is it my family? Is it my age? Or could it just be loneliness? Why is it always just a QUESTION?

I am not one who easily gets jealous. But everytime I see a happy couple, my inner green-eyed monster just pops out. I look at them and think "why can't I have that?"

But secretly, I feel happy for them... miserable for me.

I am fastly moving on to my mid-twenties box. I know it sounds exagerrated, but I think I am running out of time.

I am mid-twenties, I have a great loving family, I have the most amazing friends and a successful career. I guess it's safe to say that I am living the life!

But I have never had a real relationship!

Yes, you can, I won't hate you! Go ahead, feel sorry for me.

Heck! I feel sorry for myself.

Everytime I go out on a weekend (which is not often by the way), I feel like there is extra pressure for me to meet someone. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-social or anything. I do meet some pretty decent people, but none of them I really fancy. The people I actually like, always end up being taken. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has no one. Lonely.

I am about to have (yet another) birthday in a few weeks. Another year, another waste of precious time to spend with someone.

I have heard enough of the "The ONE is out there, you just haven't met, so just wait" speeches. I am so tired of waiting. I have waited for almost my entire adult life.

It seems almost everyone I know is coupling up, save for my very few unfortunate friends. Thank God. I need them!

But I always get to thinking, if I am twenty-something and I still have not had a real decent relationship, ever, could that ONE person for me be feeling the same way? Is God saving me for someone grand? Or could I just be too blind to see what's in front of me? And when we do meet each other, will we both know that "This is it!"?

My relationship-life has all been questions.

Here goes another weekend, of me, trying, to finally, get an answer!



Wish me luck!

Pop Art (Photos 080526)

Thank you Andy Warhol!

of crushes and crashing 080519

Before I carry on with my ranting, I want to get one thing clear out there, I AM A MASOCHIST.

I always have been, I am, and I always will be. It is through subjecting myself to suffering and pain that I get a certain degree of self-validation. It's like my drug. The physical rush of blood to my head, the emotional stab of getting hurt and the mental torment of knowing some perverted distress is coming or is IN my way.

Call me crazy, but I love it.

It is by experiencing pain I know and realize that I am alive. It is through suffering I know that compassion exists. It is through this vexation I ultimately feel the elusive happiness and euphoria that comes after.

Call it torture. I call it ME.

So how do I inflict this pain you may ask? No, I do not stab or cut myself. Mine is a knife sharper than that. I do not feel pleasure from a healing wound or scar tissue. I want it deeper than the physical, I want it to stab my heart and disturb my brain.

____________________


It has been awhile since I have been physically pleasured by someone (wink*). Warm blooded as I am, I prefer an intelligent conversation over sex.

Bull.

OK, I prefer sex. No, I prefer sex after an intelligent conversation. I want my cake, and eat it too, literally.

Anyways, over the weekend, I really wanted to go out. Hang out with some friends, perhaps meet new ones, or if all else fails, hook up (yes, have sex) with old ones. I was psyching myself already. Prepared and dressed to the nines, I changed my mind. You ask why? To torture myself. Crazy right? I mean, that night was a sure thing for me. I knew what I wanted and I knew I was going to get it. I mean, it was already there, summoning me. I refused. And now, I am in such a state of regret. And I love it. It's like I was ready to take off, heck I already did take off and I intentionally crashed my plane. The feeling of crashing and ruining my plans left me with a feeling of big-time regret, dissatisfaction and emptiness. I was down. I let myself down. All for the sheer pleasure of feeling down.

_____________________


I have a crush. Yes, I mean a person that when you see makes your heart skip and involuntarily makes you smile. Hehehe.

What am I, twelve???

I MEAN a person who clouds your mind with lustful thoughts whenever you see each other. A person whose very name invokes your loins to a "Hail Hitler" mode. The very sight of whom makes you want to carelessly drop your pants, rip your top and start humping like gorillas.

I guess I do have a crush!

I've know this person for quite some time. Although we have never ever conversed, as far as I remember. Never really appreciated the person much before. But now, it's like Ummph!

OK, so bottom line line is, I want to get in this person's pants ASAP. Hahaha. You perv you.

I seem happy right?

Completely the opposite.

Whenever I have a crush, I automatically get depressed. You ask why? Well, a crush for me is someone I desire but I know I CANNOT have. Ouch! I have long accepted this fact and will forever live through it. I have had a couple of surprises over the past year when "one of my crushes" reciprocated my guised affections. Oh and by the way, just a little juice, the "one of my crushes" I mentioned had a brief thing with this new crush of mine. Hahaha! Small world.

I wonder if this will turn out good (or bad in a good way)?

Oh well.

One can only hope.

I can just stick to moping on the feeling of knowing that this person is so near, yet so far.




Leave me be. I am gonna go cut myself.

Lo-oc Beach (Photos 080511)

The past few days have put a damp in my being. The weather doesn't seem to agree with the season and my mood quickly changes with it. It has been raining non-stop. My beach life (and my life in general) has been... well, wet. And not in a good way.

Much to my chagrin, the sun did show up but it brought with it a cool strong breeze. I've always been one who enjoys a breeze every now and then but right now, I just want the weather to be hot.

Oh well, nothing ever stops me from my beach life.

Lo-oc is the nearest beach from my house, I literally can walk (but the lazy leech that I am, i drive) to it. It's my Saturday and Sunday destination.

Skim boarding, windsurfing, kayaking and hanging out with old hometown friends. Who am i to complain?

I love the sun (Photos 080508)

summer much? 080504

It's official!

Summer is my favorite season.

Like I really have a choice? There are only two seasons in this country! No seriously, I never really liked summer before because I can never really take the heat. But for some reason, I am just lovin' it this year. Although there have been few rainy days lately but when the sun comes out it just gives me such a lift and the sudden urge to hit the beach. Oh the beach, the beach. With a cold beer on my hand. Oooohhh... now that's what I call summer!

Kloodie (Photos 080427)

Photos I took of my good friend Kloodie.

location: Malapascus Island 080427

State of being (Photos 080423)

i hate the world

agony in the afternoon

immaculate plea

Mark Nagac

Farewell my dear friend...

High school would not have been the same without you. You will always be remembered.

Rest in peace brother!

to Recruitment (Letters 080421)

Hi all!

I would like to bid farewell to the entire ePerformax Recruitment Team. It has been a challenging but fun year with you guys. I leave the department a better person and I credit most of you for making me grow.

Thank you Recruitment Manila, you were good mentors.

To my family here in Cebu, you know who you are. I love you guys so much. In a year's time, I have built relations with you that I hope will last me a lifetime. It is bittersweet to leave you, but I know you understand and I am grateful that you do. I know it's been hard, but hey, we're all still here and we survived together. I know our efforts may not always be recognized, but what matters most is that at the end of the day, we go home knowing in our hearts that we did our tasks and contributed to our team's performance. I know you guys know better than to dwell on those who are falsely glorified. And for that, I admire you.

If it's any consolation, being in DIET means I'm just a few cubicles away from you. Hehehe.

Again, I am forever grateful.

Manila weekend 080410-13

It's been a week now.

I planned to share it late, because I was still trying to let that weekend sink in. I had a good time because I spent time with Diane and my friends from Manila again. Oh and the food, the food, the food. Not to mention the shopping!

Thursday night. GREAT!!! (I can't share much because someone will kill me if I do)

Friday. Saw someone. Felt happy that I did, but surprised to finally be cool about it. I didn't feel awkward or fluttery anymore. I guess I'm finally over it. Puke!

Manila weekend (Photos 080410-13)

cabin pressure


thursday sunset , strobe


shoes, jetsetter


Makati (Buendia), Makati (Kalayaan)


ceiling light, mistaken shot (but i like it)

Stories 080407

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it in the apple tray,

"Take only one, God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A student had written a note,

"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."


-from a forwarded text message

The mis-Education of a20sb (080401)

It's a new month y'all.

The first quarter of the year is definitely over. I remember during the new year when my bestfriend and I had a conversation and we were telling ourselves that 2008 was going to be our year!

Well, three months have passed and nothing much has happened.

I'm not complaining or anything. I am actually thankful, because when I say NOTHING has happened, I'm also referring to the bad things.

Anyways, I just wanted to start off the month with a positive and bold move.

After almost a year of working in my company's reruitment department, I have finally made a decision to transfer to a different department. Definitely a bold move right? I did have my qualms about it, but hey, one has to jump to know if he can fly right? (bad analogy!)

I was in the shower last night and my mind got to thinking about my school life. I remembered my favorite teacher in high school and how she inspired me to be like her. During my senior year in high school, I took this test that was supposed to tell you what specific degree you were supposed to take in college. Number one of my results said that I should take up a degree in Art. Art? OK, I must admit I do have an artistic side but it's not the typical kind. Universities in my place did offer Art courses but it was mostly on Architecture, Design and Advertising. None of which were me. I'm more on the performing side, like theater. But no school here really offered a degree on that. Besides, it really isn't a guarantee that a Bachelor's Degree in theater will put food on your table. Performing was more of a passion or hobby for me, not really a profession. Second on my results was Communications. Ahh, something I can actually do and am good at! So I was off finding a good school that offered a Bachelor's on Communications. There were a couple. But none of which were good enough for my beloved father (thank God!). So much for that test right?

My father was definite that I go to his former university. Although I did try and convince him that I up and study in the capital. We all know how that effort ended. Being the good son that I am, I gave in to my father's desires. So one part of my problem was solved. I (or my dad) found a school. Question is, would there be a course there for me?

Back to my favorite highschool teacher. I immediately remembered her. Her name was Ingrid, my English teacher. She was awesome! That's when I decided to take up a liberal arts course on the subject. I was a university freshman taking up Bachelor of Arts in English, Major in Linguistics. Blah!!!

But it was good thing. There were only 2 Math subjects. I hate Math. I hate numbers. Computing. Accounting. Spreadsheets. Waaah!

I love Liberal Art courses. No Math!

But after the second semester, Mr. Good Son turned bad. Pernicious friends, immeasurable freedom. A part of my life that I have long forgotten. Let's just put it this way, I was left with no choice but to find myself another department.

Political Science to the rescue! Woohoo!

I initially had no idea what I got myself into. But hey, beggars can't be choosers right.

I am thankful for this course. It put me in the right track and gave me purpose again. This time, I wanted to be a lawyer. Poisoned by my professors and classmates, I was on the road to Law School. I graduated (with no honors, but it's OK) with great recommendations for my University's College of Law. I finally graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science.

By graduation day, I realized I wasn't going to be a lawyer. I wasn't going to go to law school. I wanted something else. I knew that my unconscious had something else planned for me.

I ended up thinking back on my favorite high school teacher.

I was going to be a teacher.

So I enrolled two days after I graduated. I took up a post-graduate course on Professional Education. I felt like this is was my calling, felt like I was gonna make something out of my life. Finally.

Or so I thought.

In the middle of my second semester, I came to a realization, that I needed to start working. I wanted to earn my own money. I wanted a life of my own. A trip back to the US fuelled this desire. I knew when I returned that I wasn't gonna continue my studies anymore.

From there, I left the "student" phase of my life. I was an adult.



So here I am now. A mid-twenty corporate slave. And every last masochistic inch of me is unhealthily enjoying it. I ended far from what I studied, far from what I (or my dad) planned. but still, I grin from ear to ear.

The ironic thing about it all is that I took up Liberal Arts because I hated Math. But today, my job requires me to look at spreadsheets and numbers all day. Hahaha! The irony! The sweet ironic contentment.

But as mentioned earlier it's time for me to move on, again. A change.

Historically, a change of mind has gotten me nothing but good things. So here I go,

jump!

Sunset in Malapascua Dos (Photos 080331)

(Photos taken March 22, 2008)

Breathtaking!

Sunset in Malapascua (Photos 080329)

(Photos taken March 21, 2008)

serene and peaceful beach at our cove

I was lucky enough to stay in the sunset side of the island. Here are a few moments of that beautiful Friday afternoon...

I was able to capture a moment spent by a loving pair. Wonder when I will get to do this with someone?

Soon, I hope.

beach chill